Last Sunday was my anniversary- one year since my divorce papers were signed. It was a reflective day.
I looked at the things he’d done through the 10 years of our marriage to slowly break my heart. I will probably always wonder if there were things I could have said or done to help him understand how much these behaviors hurt, what messages I was getting when he did those things.
It takes two to tango so I’m not blameless, either. I know I also did things that seriously damaged the foundations of our marriage, things that really hurt him.
I wonder sometimes, about all these things that led up to my asking him for a divorce- things he did, decisions I made, stuff that “just happened,” even things others said and did that affected our relationship. I regret some of my behavior, wishing I could get a do-over. Other things, I’m grateful I did what I did, because it led me to where I am now.
In the last year, I’ve learned a lot… mostly about myself.
- I’m more blunt/up-front with most people, but still afraid to tell my mom stuff I know she doesn’t want to hear.
- I’m more aware of the power and influence I have as a woman, and I’ll probably always be reluctant to use aspects of it it to use people.
- I’m better at understanding what I want, but sometimes (probably too often) afraid to stand up and ask for it.
- I’m better at letting go of feeling responsible for others’ actions, but I still hold on to regrets, self-bashing mentalities, and a keen awareness of my imperfections.
- I realize that people lie... for a lot of different reasons, and I know this doesn’t make it ok for me to be less-than honest.
- I know that I’ve made mistakes- broken rules, broken hearts. I’m fixing that... and it feels good to get back in His good graces.